Building Connections between Dads and Daughters

(ARA) - We all know the stereotype. He’s the clued-out dad who doesn’t know an iPod from IHOP; the guy with the wallet whose relationship with his kids, especially if they’re daughters, is decidedly background.

“Society hasn’t paid enough attention to the relationship between fathers and daughters,” says Dr. James Longhurst, a licensed psychologist for Ohio’s Montcalm School for Girls, a residential treatment program for troubled teens. “But the truth is, it’s a relationship that has a long-lasting impact on the woman his daughter will become.”

Longhurst says that girls who have strong bonds with their fathers learn early-on how to relate to men in positive ways and are far less likely to use sex as a tool for relationship-building. They’re also less prone to esteem issues, including eating disorders. “The importance of a strong father figure in a girl’s life can’t be overstated,” says Longhurst, adding that by “strong” he doesn’t mean overly authoritative. “Dads have to resist the urge to be inflexible and so oppressively rule-based that it sets up conflict,” he says. “Fathers who empower their daughters to make decisions on their own help build a foundation of trust and respect that transfers to other areas as well.”

Tips for Dads Who want to Know their Daughters Better Dr. James Longhurst, psychologist, Montcalm Schools * Get to know the people in your daughter’s life. Do you know who her three best friends are? Find out. Better still, get to know her friends in a comfortable, casual way. If your daughter and her friends are young, be the dad who’s willing to drive them to the movies or to the mall. If they’re older, make it a point to greet them when you see them at the house. * Find a way to connect. Does your daughter follow a sports team? A TV show? A musical group? Does she collect anything? Does she have an “issue” she cares about like animal rights or the environment? Join her in these interests or at least find out what they are so you can strike up a conversation and talk knowledgeably about them. * Look for your daughter’s strengths. Find out what she’s good at and then -- this is key -- tell her. Is your daughter funny? Kind-hearted? Good in a particular sport or a certain subject at school? Show her you notice. You may feel these things in your heart but if you never express them, she’s missing out and you are, too.

What can a Dad do to strengthen his rapport with his daughter? Start by looking for ways to relate. “I connect with my dad through sports. Everything else kind of sparks off of that,” says 18-year-old field hockey player Brooks Johnson of Charlotte, N.C. These days, Brooks and her dad are navigating the vast sea of college applications together. “He took the lead on that instead of my mom and it’s been really good for us, something we share.”

Longhurst believes that the best way to learn about positive relationships is to see them modeled, including the relationship between father and mother. “And even if there is no father in the picture, it’s important to look for good male role models. They’re out there, whether they’re family members or coaches or community mentors.”

At Montcalm School for Girls, Longhurst explains, troubled teens are treated with dignity and respect, which in turn, treatment results show, engenders dignity and respect. “You teach young people respect by showing them respect. You teach them integrity by treating them with integrity. Our goal, and it should be everyone’s, is to help kids discover and build on their strengths and learn how to handle conflict in productive ways.”

Montcalm School for Girls and Montcalm School for Boys are a part of Starr Commonwealth, a child and family services organization with nearly a century of experience in treating troubled youth and their families. For more information about Montcalm Schools or its parent organization, Starr Commonwealth, call (866) 289-9201, or visit their Web sites at www.montcalmschool.org or www.starr.org.

Courtesy of ARA Content